To the One That Walked Away…
“ I love you, but I feel like something’s missing; I don’t know if it’s with you, but I need to be alone to figure it out”…
Her words reverberated through my body; they’re now etched in my bones like scar tissue from a decrepit injury with its palpable presence as a phantom limb pain- an extension of me severed away because love has a way of weaving us into each other’s fabric forever. Truth is I’ll never stop hearing your engine stall and car shake as you leave , and my heart may never stop skipping a beat when the apartment building front door creaks open — hoping to be awoken in the night by you sneaking into bed . But now ever present that conversation is a ringing that will never fade from my ears. What she’s really saying amidst it all we’re not worth fighting for and that’s a hard pill to swallow after a year together and a lifetime painted ahead that was yet to come- that now never will.
As someone who’s spent their entire life moving every few years, perfecting the how and why’s of goodbyes I have grown to be comfortable with change, adaptive, and very independent. So, when I , as cliché as it gets- fell madly in love with her, it tore away at the protective layers I had built. All precautions felt unnecessary…with or without logic but not without reason- I had met her the one. Perfect in every way; and even the drawers open, clothes on the floor, quick to elevate vocally-ways she wasn’t were still perfectly imperfect. Kind, smart, funny, strong, compassionate — and a dog person?- winning. Her wit and cleverness swoon me; her ability to speak her mind and her ability to love were , and always will be, unparalleled. I felt so special- l was a priority to her and to be told I was her true love and everything she ever wanted…finally hers- forever. The Summer melted into Fall and we spent it all on a whirlwind of futuristic talk because when you’ve found your person why wait? We were so excited, so certain- it was all the hate-to-love Netflix romcom moments: cute thoughtful getaway dates, mountain tops, murals of adorable notes, and countless moments filled with endless cuddles and kisses. It was everything and more. The holidays and family dinners felt natural , with her it was natural. She was the kind of love that felt like home because home was wherever she was; the awkward jigsaw of our puzzle pieces came together to form such a mesmerizing picture.
I could try to blame it on a million things in this universe- naturally, I want to look inward what did I do? What can I learn- What could I have done better? But the truth is sometimes there isn’t anything we could have done. I’m not sure which is harder to know you could have done more for the person you love or to have done everything and it not be enough. Eventually, we come to learn that finding someone who accepts and appreciates that love, like all things, requires genuine effort and that true love is when we start to put the happiness of someone else above our own; even if we want nothing more than to be a catalyst in that happiness for their life. But that doesn’t make it any easier to watch the person we adore effortlessly walk away.
The sun beat hot on my back as we sat on that park bench and you broke my heart for the last time. I hated you- I hated how adamantly you expressed you believed in working for relationships and love, and yet here we were you telling me you didn’t want to work, the very thing you dispelled for so long. I wasn’t worth your effort.
But to the one that walked away I hope your path takes you to the most incredible views ; I hope your eyes see colors you had never imagined, that the breeze presses lovingly against your skin and the sun caresses you , that you feel warmth in your heart and soul. Above all I hope you feel love — for your self and all those that you cross paths with because godamnit your love is a beautiful thing. I also decidedly determined I don’t want a ravished bear to disrupt your journey and chase you around aimlessly and relentlessly inflicting tortuous fear. I had always told you I just wanted to augment your happiness and I hope you look back on Us and when you do it brings you joy to remember such a rare and amazing thing to have had in our lives- I know I will. So, to the one that walked away I hope your feet hurt- but in a growing pains sort of way, that you never get blisters and that you find the right pair of hiking boots for whatever terrain you have to navigate; may you always find tranquility in your journey. I won’t wait at our intersection, but if our paths should ever cross again, I hope we have much light to share and tales of unrequited happiness because that’s how I choose to always remember my time with you and that’s how I’ll choose to live my life going forward.
To the one that walked away… if ever the forest gets to dense, you feel scared , in the dark, or lost I hope you remember how much you’ve overcome , that you’re strong, and that there’s always a heart out there rooting for you. Though the destination isn’t clear, I hope you enjoy your journey and that it’s every bit worth walking away.
